Meltdowns and Shutdowns in Autistic Adults: Making Sense of Them Without Shame
Maybe it's the morning after. You're going back over what happened, trying to work out why something so small felt so big. You might have apologised more than once or feel dread at the idea of seeing someone. Or you might not remember much at all, only that you went quiet and couldn't come back for a while.
If that sounds familiar, this is for you. It's for autistic adults, whether you have a diagnosis, have recognised yourself, or are still wondering. If you're autistic and have ADHD too, sometimes called AuDHD, much of this may fit for you as well. You don't need to read it all at once. Take what's useful and leave the rest.
A note on words: I've used "meltdown" and "shutdown" because they're the words many people search for. You might use your own, like "losing it", "going blank" or "crashing". Whatever you call it, you're welcome here.
When everything gets too much
Meltdowns and shutdowns tend to happen when things have built up past what you can take in. That build-up can come from lots of places: noise and light, a change of plan, a day of conversations, or the effort of masking, which means hiding the way you naturally talk, move or react so you fit in. Often it isn't one thing but many.
Because of that, the thing that finally tips it over can be small. A plan that changes, or a question at the wrong moment. From the outside, it can look like a big reaction to nothing. From the inside, it's often the last thing on a very full day.
Meltdowns and shutdowns aren't something people decide to do. They're how your body and mind respond when there's no room left. If sensory overload or exhaustion are a big part of it for you, I've written more about sensory overwhelm and autistic burnout.
Meltdowns
A meltdown is often the louder of the two. You might cry, shout, pace or need to get away and once it's started it can feel like there's no stopping it.
Afterwards, many people feel completely drained. You might need to sleep, be alone, or not talk for some time. For many, shame can follow, especially if it happened in front of other people, or at home with the people you're closest to.
Some people find they hurt themselves during a meltdown. If that happens to you, it's worth talking to your GP. It's also something you can bring to counselling, and you won't be judged for it.
Shutdowns
A shutdown can look much quieter. You might go still, find you can't speak, or struggle to make even simple decisions. Some people describe feeling further away from everything, as if they can't reach it for a while.
Because shutdowns are quiet, they're easy to miss. Other people might read them as sulking, ignoring them or not caring. You might not have had a name for it before now. A shutdown can last a few minutes or much longer, and a lot of shutdowns close together can start to feel like burnout.
Some people have meltdowns, some have shutdowns, and some have both. One can also turn into the other. There's no right way for this to look.
Where the shame can come from
Many autistic adults were told as children that meltdowns were tantrums, or that going quiet was rude. As adults, some people have been called difficult, dramatic or cold. If you've heard things like that often enough, it makes sense that some of it might have stuck.
Masking can add to it. If you've worked hard to hold things together at work or with friends, meltdowns might mostly happen at home, where you feel safe enough to stop. That can leave you feeling as though the people you love see the worst of it. It can also lead to masking even harder, which only adds to the build-up.
Given what many people have been told, shame makes sense. In counselling, we can look at where yours came from, at a pace that feels manageable.
Getting to know your own build-up
Some people find it helps to understand what tends to build up for them. This isn't about watching yourself for warning signs or trying to stop every meltdown. It's about knowing yourself a little better, so you can give yourself more room when you need it.
If you find it hard to name what you're feeling, you're not alone. That's more common for autistic people, although not everyone finds it hard. Facts can be easier to notice than feelings. So rather than asking "how did I feel?", it can help to look at what the day actually had in it.
If you'd like to try a short reflection, here's one. Please read this part first.
Try it on a calm day, not soon after a meltdown or shutdown, and not when you're already tired or overloaded. Late at night isn't the best time either. It's one question, and a minute or two is plenty. You can think about it or write it down, and you don't have to answer fully.
If you notice your heart racing, your chest getting tight, feeling hot or shaky, going blank or numb, or the same build-up starting, that's a sign to stop. You might look away, hold something familiar in your hands, name a few things you can see, have a cold drink, stretch, or spend some time on something you love. Choose whatever suits you. Breathing exercises don't help everyone, so you don't have to use them.
The question: think of a recent time. What had the day been like in the few hours before? Just the facts: where you were, what was asked of you, and how much sleep, noise or change there had been.
You can stop at any point, leave it for another day, or bring it to counselling instead. Even reading this far is enough.
What can help, before and after
There's no single answer and you don't have to use any of these ideas. Some people find it helps to leave a bit of room in a busy day. Others agree a way out in advance, like a quiet room, or a word they can use with someone they trust.
Afterwards, rest counts. You might need quiet, time alone or sleep, and you don't have to explain it. It can help not to go over what happened in detail the same day. There's time for that later, if you want it.
If someone close to you was there, they might have been shaken. You can care about that and still know it wasn't your fault. Some people find it easier to talk about it together on a calmer day, including what helps and what doesn't.
How counselling can help
In our sessions, you can talk about meltdowns and shutdowns without being judged. We can look at what tends to lead up to them, what happens afterwards, and where any shame came from. The pace is yours.
If naming feelings is hard, we don't need to start there. I'll change how I talk about feelings so you don't have to label them in a set way. We can look at what happened and what you were thinking, use a comparison if that's easier, or use your interests as a way in.
The room is quiet and warm. The lighting can be dimmed or brightened, and the temperature can be changed. Eye contact isn't expected, and there are fidget toys if you'd like something in your hands. You can take movement breaks, have half-hour sessions if sitting for longer is hard, and use a writing pad or record the session to listen back. There's no homework. If things become a crisis between sessions, we can put together a safety plan.
If a meltdown or shutdown starts during a session, that's okay. I'll help you come back to feeling safe, in yourself and in the room. That might be slow breathing, noticing a few things you can see, hear and touch, or bringing your attention back to your body. We'll only use what feels supportive, never what feels too much.
Autism is one of my main areas of interest and training. There's more on my autism counselling page, and you can read about my neuro-affirmative counselling more broadly.
Making sense of it
There's a lot here, and you don't need to hold on to all of it. If you only take a few things away, I'd want them to be these.
Meltdowns and shutdowns happen when things have built up past what you can take in. They aren't a choice.
Shutdowns can be quiet and easy to miss, but they're just as real.
Shame often comes from what you've been told, and it makes sense that it's there.
Knowing your own build-up can help you give yourself more room, without watching yourself for warning signs.
Rest afterwards counts, and you don't have to explain it.
If you'd like to talk about any of this, I offer a free 15-minute telephone consultation. It's a friendly, no-obligation way to see if it feels like the right fit, and you can ask anything you like. Sessions can be face to face in Whitefield, by video, by telephone or on a walk. Some people find talking side by side much easier than sitting across a room. When you're ready, you can get in touch here.
You're welcome here, exactly as you are.
If you need help now
If you're in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, you don't have to wait for a session. You can call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, contact your GP, or call Samaritans free on 116 123, day or night. If you're in immediate danger, call 999.
